Author: Craig Freshley

Enemies within?

Posted on by Craig Freshley

Since 9/11 – 25 years ago today – I’ve noticed a trend in the United States and I don’t know what to make of it. The trend is that we are increasingly scared of enemies within; people right here in our homeland whom we’re encouraged to fear and think of as enemies.

In addition to departments protecting us from foreign enemies, we have a Department of Homeland Security. We have armed people at airports checking to see that we – fellow Americans – are not going to hurt each other. We have metal detectors at government buildings. We have cameras in public places, pointing at ourselves. We have heightened security at our schools. We have a phrase: “domestic terrorism.” All these things are new in the past 25 years. Why?

And we have President who consistently criticizes Americans; calling many of us enemies and treating many of us as if we’re traitors. Why? And I’ve see it in my own neighborhood and in my town and state: instances of not trusting each other and characterizing our fellows as enemies. Why?

It’s not us vs. them. It’s just us. We’re all neighbors. We’re all Americans.

Perhaps it has something to do with our increasing insecurity (okay, I suppose there’s a pun there). As an individual, when I start to feel resentful, irritable, and discontent, my own insecurities push me to name enemies. I want to find other people to blame for my problems. And I’m apt to find fault with the people closest at hand; the people I live with.

Yet if I don’t let my insecurities get the better of me, I rise above and do two things: (1) I see faults in others as simply faults in others. I don’t turn people with faults into enemies, worthy of going to war. That actually has no long run advantage for either of us. (2) I look at what I can do to make the situation better. Rather than complaining about you, or going to war against you, I mind my own business and stay focused on me. If I’m resentful about higher taxes, I behave in ways that don’t require the government to spend as much money on me. I do my part to move the world in the direction I want.

Yet as an individual, I AM sometimes insecure and treat others worse than they deserve. And perhaps as a nation – since 9/11 – we have become more insecure about ourselves and we’re acting out in bad ways; against the people we should actually love the most. But I don’t know. I can’t actually explain why our leaders are turning against their own people and why we are turning against each other. Why do we have such a need in America to demonize fellow Americans?

I’m genuinely perplexed. What do you think?

The three most important words

Posted on by Craig Freshley

If you want to know what today’s teenagers think about gender and artificial intelligence, you might treat yourself to this 30-minute podcast.

Wait. Hold on. If you want to know what THREE TEENAGERS think, treat yourself to this podcast. When I talked with Dylan, Nika, and Wyatt on the radio last week, I learned that not all teenagers think the same. To judge, “all teenagers love their phones,” or “all teenagers love AI,” or “all teenagers are naïve;” it’s just wrong.

I know why we do it; why we put people in categories and apply labels. Because it simplifies a crazy complicated world. Baby boomers are _______. Millennials are _______. Gen Alphas are _______. Easy peasy.

The number of judgements we’re pushed to make hour-by-hour is staggering. So we make the judgements manageable by making broad categories: old people are irrelevant, young people are ignorant, brown people are criminal, trans people are unstable, church people are brainwashed, gun people are mean. If I carry around such categorical judgements it’s easy for me when I come across a trans person: I don’t have to get to know who they really are. I take a small dose of pride and move on; because I already know.

The podcast is really interesting. It reveals how SOME teenagers think about SOME issues. Listening is an investment in getting to know teenagers better; at least how these three think about the world around them. Listen here.

I get the need to make sweeping generalizations about classes of people. It’s a way to simplify the world and ease my mind. But there’s another way. It’s three simple words: “I don’t know.”

Instead of making categorical judgements to help me move on, why not accept ambiguity as a way of life? And move on. Imagine if I could lose my obsession with needing to make sense of every encounter? Imagine if I could be okay without having to categorize every person I meet, and simply wonder who they might be without needing answers? Sounds pretty peaceful to me. Sounds like live and let live. Sounds like minding my own business.

In the podcast conversation we were talking about how labels can be useful yet also hurtful. “Well the key to that,” said one of the teens, “is to label yourself and no one else.” In other words: my job is to make sense of me. I don’t have to make sense of you. The way to make sense of diversity is to let go of trying.

Life on Earth IS diverse. It IS colorful; not black and white. Sometimes I try so hard to make things either black or white that my world view becomes, you know, black and white. And pretty darn boring. And just plain wrong. And exhausting.

The path to peace is letting go.

———–

A special thanks to Kristina Egan and Tom Bell for inviting me host the radio show, and to my guests: Wyatt Clegg, Nika Norris, and Dylan Ginn. Thanks also to Cam the sound engineer and all the folks at WMPG, 90.9.

Listen to the recording here. There’s a transcript too.

 

 

 

How to be wrong, done right

Posted on by Craig Freshley

It’s easy to be right, in my head. It’s easy to pretend I’m more perfect than I really am; more perfect than you. It’s harder to be wrong, with grace. The measure of integrity is not how right someone is, but how they handle when they’re wrong.

We all make mistakes, including you. I know that because you’re human. Yet we’ve been scripted to hide our mistakes, deny them, and blame others for them. We’ve got this thing that mistakes are a sign of weakness and that our job is to be better than others, at least in appearance.

Yet when we refuse to see our mistakes – when we’re not open to even the possibility that we might have done wrong – we deny ourselves the chance for improvement. We’re apt to keep doing wrong and continue to create conflict and burden for others, and for ourselves.

Today marks 30 years for me without a drink. I’ve learned from Alcoholics Anonymous how to how to live right; and maybe more importantly, how to be wrong. “When we were wrong, we promptly admitted it,” says the tenth step. I’m not afraid anymore to see where I’ve been wrong, admit mistakes to myself and to others, and take steps to do better.

Sometimes I get myself in a tizzy of tension and worry, and try to find peace with a fit of self-righteousness. “I AM right!” I try to convince myself, with all the justifications and reasons churning in my head for days. Yet constantly negotiating with myself about how right I am, or not, can be exhausting. It can drive you to drink.

And then I remember that I have a magic option. I’m allowed to simply admit that I made a mistake, apologize, and do what I can to make things better. It’s magic! All the worry goes away. The burden gets released. I find peace with myself and with my fellows.

Now I’m not saying to take on more than you should. There’s no need to take responsibility for the whole mistake; for ALL that happened. Rather I search honestly to reveal MY part – the specific things that I did that contributed to the whole debacle – and take responsibility for my parts.

Just because I was wrong or did something bad, doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I’ve learned to admit my mistakes and love myself anyway. And when I address my mistakes, I find that I’m a more lovable person.

And just because YOU did something bad, I don’t think of you as a bad person. You’re just a human who did a bad thing. No big deal. Happens all the time. I don’t throw out the relationship. I don’t refuse to talk with you. I don’t write you off. I love you anyway.

When I see wrong doing, I try to speak up. I don’t blame or shame but rather just say what I see, and maybe how it affects me. I don’t carry around a resentment. I don’t gossip to others. I say what I have to say and move on. The consequences of me speaking my truth are not my responsibility.

Doing wrong right is hugely helpful in groups. It saves my fellows tons of anxiety and worry and resentment. It demonstrates respect for others. When I do wrong right, I see myself as right-sized; not superior, no better or worse than anyone else, just prone to mistakes. Human. And when I demonstrate my humanness I inspire others to be human beings, rather than falsely inflated beings.

Now I gotta say, I don’t do wrong right all the time. Not even half the time. What I’ve written above; these are aspirations. I’m only human.

Many hands make light work

Posted on by Craig Freshley

This phrase has been around since medieval times. I first heard it in Quaker meeting. To me it means that when you have lots of people helping, it’s easier for each person. And more fun. I choose to think of “light” as less burden AND more positive.

Last weekend I helped out the Farmyard Jam, a fundraiser in my neighborhood. Talk about many hands! People gave $37,000 to help the farm grow food for people in need. A small army of volunteers did the lifting. I helped on stage during the event, and I helped dismantle the stage after.

I saw a meme recently on social media: “Everyone wants community but no one wants to do the admin.” So the trick is to make the admin fun. And the trick for that is to do things together. And the trick for that is facilitation.

Someone needs to make a plan so each person can unleash their energy. People really do love to give, especially when it’s a good cause and they feel valued.

Here’s one of my favorite videos. It speaks for itself, don’t you think? And it has so much to say.

Practical Tip:

When I have to do an administrative task – from washing dishes to writing emails – I try to do it with joy. I try to see it as an honor and a privilege to serve the group. I try to be grateful for all the admin that others have done for me. I say to myself, “just doin’ my part” and muster gratitude that I get to be apart of something bigger than myself.

How to end your meeting

Posted on by Craig Freshley

When I’m the facilitator or leader, I end almost every meeting with Closing Comments. I write this into the agenda and make time for it on the spot.

I ask each person to share a highlight from the meeting, perhaps a take-away, or perhaps a hope going forward. This is different from “meeting evaluation.” I encourage “just 5-10 seconds for each person,” yet if someone needs to say more, I generally don’t interrupt. It’s probably important.

I start with whoever wants to go first and go around the room from there. On Zoom or Teams, I call on people one after the other. If someone doesn’t want to make a comment – no problem, I move quickly to the next person – yet I make eye contact with each person and make space for them to say a last word.

Often, this is the best part of the meeting. At ease with each other after conversing awhile, people are apt to speak their hearts. The group as a whole gets to see the unity of perspectives so often present at the end of a good meeting. This is also a last chance for someone to give voice to something important. It helps each person to feel heard.

And immediately after the last comment, I say “Thank you. Meeting adjourned.” I don’t try to summarize or give my own opinion or make any announcements. I try to convey that it’s the words of the group members themselves that are most important.

The key ingredient for meeting success

Posted on by Craig Freshley

In the recent Facilitation Workshop, a question came up about how to handle nervousness. “I’m a wreck before the meeting,” she said.

For me it’s planning and preparation. Sounds simple – and certainly common sense – but it’s often the simple common sense stuff that works.

Whenever I have to facilitate a meeting I prepare a “Staff Agenda;” a behind-the-scenes script. Some call it a “facilitation plan” or a “run of show.” I take the published agenda and then add red notes with little plans for how I’m going to handle each agenda item: what slides I’m gonna show, what activities I’m gonna run, what I’m gonna say at every turn. And I note all the set up stuff.

Here’s an example that I spontaneously showed in the recent Facilitation Workshop.

In the case of on-line meetings, I have this on the screen so I’m ready to grab links or copy text for the chat. For in-person meetings, I print this out on paper and have it by my side. I use it to look ahead and be ready for the next thing coming. It’s my instant go-to reference if I get stuck or lost. Just having it helps me not be a wreck.

“Plans are worthless, but planning is everything.” This quote by President Dwight D. Eisenhower – my interpretation – is that making a plan is hugely valuable even if you don’t use it. In fact, plans rarely play out as planned. Things change and we have to adapt and ditch the plan – and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have planned. It’s the thinking-things-through ahead that allows us to adapt and be successful in the moment.

Do you have this leadership skill?

Posted on by Craig Freshley

I’ve seen bad meeting facilitation result in SO MANY bad group decisions; decisions by governments and governing boards that leave out key points of view, that ignore relevant information, that decide too much too fast, that seem like a waste of time.

Is there one leadership skill that’s higher leverage than all others? I’m thinking of a skill that if you don’t have it, people get frustrated and bad decisions get made but if you do have it, productivity soars and good decisions get made. In my opinion, great leaders gather and harness creativity from their people. They run great meetings. They facilitate the development of great decisions.

Because I’m passionate about the need for more and better group facilitation, I do things to help leaders be better facilitators.

We’re not all professional meeting facilitators, yet ALL leaders facilitate decision making. There are good and bad techniques, and the good ones can be learned. So this is me encouraging you – no matter what or who you lead – to invest in meeting facilitation skills. The return on investment is high.

Who to cheer for? Or against?

Posted on by Craig Freshley

Some of you know I have a daughter who lives in Belgium. Did you know that she recently had a daughter? And that my granddaughter is a dual citizen? The baby is both American and Belgian.

Trying to be the clever granddad, I wrote to the parents: “Who’s the baby gonna cheer for?” My son-in-law returned a perfect response: “She’s in the stage that she’s cheering for everyone and everything.”

What a wonderful way to be! To cheer for everyone and everything. We love cheering for our favorite teams, yet why do we need to cheer against our opponents? Why talk trash to try and make someone feel like trash? Am I allowed to marvel at skills on both sides? Can I cheer for my team and also be happy for you if your team wins?

Many of you are stopping right here: “Craig, you’re being unrealistic.” Yup that’s true. In a reality where it’s okay – even encouraged – to put each other down and wish ill-fate upon others because of manufactured allegiances or even just for fun, I’m holding up an alternative reality.

Cheer your heart out. Cheer more for one side than the other. Yet no need to be negative. Love of the game – love for everyone and everything – is the win, win.

Of course it’s just a game. Yet games are always analogies and how we think of opponents in games translates into how we think of opponents in politics and work and in all walks of life.

Yes, yes, love for everyone and everything is naive. Babies are naive. God love ‘em. Babies teach us how to be our better selves.

Is it okay to be here?

Posted on by Craig Freshley

This is my first question when I walk into a room or join a group. Yours too. Before I do or say anything, I’m wondering about THIS. Because the answer to THIS QUESTION determines everything about how I act and what I say.

When I’m in the role of meeting facilitator, my very first job is to help you answer YES as you walk in the room. Actually, ideally, I want you to answer yes in advance so you actually show up in the first place. I want you to feel welcome, seen, valued; not on defense, on guard, or worried in anyway about your very presence. If you don’t feel at ease you’re not likely to contribute. If you do contribute, it’s likely to be negative. It might make others feel negative. Attitude is contagious.

The single most effective thing I can do to help you feel like you belong is to treat you as an absolute equal, a comrade, a colleague. I want you to know that I do NOT look down on you in any way. I don’t already disagree with you, or discount you. I don’t have a prejudice against you. I seek not to take advantage in any way. I WANT you to be here and to be yourself, whoever that is.

Yet it’s not all on me. As a meeting facilitator I can’t guarantee “safety.” I don’t say things in advance of my meetings about providing “a safe place.” You feeling safe results from a multitude of factors, many of which I have no control over. The single most effective thing YOU can do to “be okay here” is to see the rest of us as absolute equals; not look down on us, yet not look up at us either. Stand tall and be yourself, a unique individual in a group of equals.

Yet in reality, as a participant, I don’t always feel okay to be here. I might be in a mandatory staff meeting with supervisors who discount me, or at a protest where adversaries hold signs against me. Here are three tricks.

First, I don’t have to change “those people.” I might wish they saw things differently, but if they don’t change their minds before my very eyes I’m not going to feel defeated. Who they are and what they believe is not my responsibility. Second, I detach my self-worth from their statements. I – me and only me – get to decide who I am regardless of what’s coming at me. Third, I can adopt a mindset of “curious observer.” I ponder from arms length: Why do these people believe what they believe? I might even ask questions. Every person has a good reason for what they believe; what are their reasons, I wonder. Rather than judge, I investigate. I can be curious about another’s values without changing my own. By switching my role to curious observer, I detach and immunize myself.

Whether you’re the meeting facilitator helping people feel okay to be here, or the participant trying to feel okay to be here, it requires work to not look down on others. And it requires work to not look up at others. Yet I believe that the magic ingredient for making good group decisions is absolute equality; each person looking across at the other. When we feel absolutely equal to our comrades, we feel it’s okay to be here. Not only that, it feels thrilling to be here.

The Courage to Be Disliked

Posted on by Craig Freshley

I’ve been reading this book – The Courage to be Disliked – and want to tell you some things that I learned from it; and related things I’ve learned over the years.

Out of ten people, 1 will dislike you, 2 will like you, and the other 7 will be meh. Why do we focus on the one! There’s no need. Give your energy to the other nine.

Don’t care what people think. Just don’t let it bother you. Move on. Think and do other things. What other people think of me is none of my business. It’s ME who I have to make peace with. I’m the fish I gotta catch.

Want self esteem? Do esteemable things. And it’s okay if no one notices. Did I serve others today with love and kindness? That’s all that matters.

I once heard someone say: “Try do do something nice for someone every day, and not get caught.” Repeat: it’s okay if no one notices.

Have you heard this quote from Goi Nasu? “An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.”

And there’s the famous quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

In my own book – Together We Decide – I provide the following quote by a gal named Mary Thayer:

  1. Show up
  2. Pay attention
  3. Speak your truth
  4. And let go of the outcome

If one of the outcomes is being disliked by someone, so be it. I like myself when I do the first three.