Conflict Prevention

In principle, every story is an interpretation. The storyteller always gets to decide how the story gets told. You might call it “spin” or “take on it.” And every story can be reinterpreted by the players who are in it and by those who hear or learn about it.

Reinterpreting our stories allows us to rewrite history and that can be a good thing.

Changing or ignoring the facts is never wise but looking at the facts in new ways, from new points of view, allows us to learn and understand and make peace with the facts.

Practical Tip: When in pain or conflict, as an individual or as a group, try to look at what happened in a new way. Accept the facts but consider multiple interpretations, other ways to look at it. Discuss with others. Learn to tell the story differently.

Reinterpreting our stories can bring peace.

– Craig Freshley

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In principle, the cause of most conflict is misunderstanding. The parties don’t have the same facts, same experience, same perspective, and don’t fully appreciate how someone else could see it differently.

A second cause of conflict is fundamental difference of values. This is where the parties understand the facts and each other but they simply have different values. For example, one person believes in Jesus as savior, another does not. Each person’s beliefs are deeply rooted and not easily changed.

Third, parties are in conflict because of some outside issue, something that has nothing to do with the immediate issue at hand. The conflict might be because of some incident between the parties that happened years ago and has never been dealt with or because of a mental disorder, an irrational fear, or an addiction that is influencing someone’s judgment or behavior. An outside issue is preventing one or more key people from seeing or acting clearly.

Practical Tip: When conflicts arise, work first to develop shared understanding. Talk, listen, express truth, learn, be open-minded, let go, ponder, talk some more.

If differing values are the cause, identify the values you have in common. Identify your common goals. See how you believe in similar things but have different ways of acting on them. Document and work on the things you agree on and let go of the rest, for now.

If a debilitating outside issue is at play, peace will only come about if the issue is dealt with. If it is your issue, deal with it, seek help, do the personal work. If the issue is not dealt with by the parties, an outside authority must be invoked to make and enforce a decision.

– Craig Freshley

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In principle, if group members have not agreed to a particular morality or set of values, it is not okay to expect or impose that particular morality or set of values. People become uncomfortable when it feels like a specific moral code is being imposed without permission. Imposing morality creates enemies.

On the other hand, if your group has a moral code it is right to honor it. Speaking a certain morality without acting on it also creates enemies.

Practical Tip: Do not impose unwelcome morality. Act out agreed morality. Work to change group morality using agreed group processes.

For example, if a neighborhood association’s stated purpose and other governing documents say nothing of environmental values, group members should not impose environmental values as if they were group values. It is not okay to suggest that someone is being “anti-group” if they are being “anti-environment.” If you would like environmental values to become group values then work for that within the rules. Request discussion about it. Make a proposal. Practice environmental values in your own yard and in all ways that are not contrary to group decisions. But in the absence of stated group morality, it is not okay to behave as if such morality is shared by the group as a whole.

– Craig Freshley

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