In my world, “how to bridge divides” is the question of the day.
One answer: don’t even try. Go around. Bridge closed; seek alternate route. Find other ways to connect.
In her book High Conflict, Amanda Ripley explains “the magic ratio” of 5:1. It takes five positive interactions to prevent or overcome one bad interaction. So if you want to avoid or overcome conflict, manufacture positive interactions.
I have learned that if someone is mad at me or is judging against me – and it’s so bad that we can’t even talk about it – it works well to do other stuff with that person. I might even contrive interactions such as borrowing a tool or running into each other at an event. Or I might make a positive comment on their social media post; about something completely different than our conflict at hand.
We do this with kids. When a kid gets bent out of shape and hates you, the time-honored remedy is the offering of positive interactions in other ways. Try at least 5 before you give up! Food works well, for instance. Haha! Keep offering a kid food they like, and your relationship will improve for sure. Don’t talk about “the thing” but do other positive things together. Be patient. Someday the thing will find its way into your conversation or it will resolve itself.
On the larger scale of political, gender, age, or race divisions: same thing. Proactively manufacture positive interactions. Get yourself out there and mingle.* And NOT at events where politics, gender, age, or race are the focus. The dog park. Sports. Music. Dance. Theater. Volunteering at a community nonprofit. Recovery and peer support groups. Library events. Adult education classes. The gym. These are all places where people do stuff together regardless of politics, gender, age, and race. This is how to bridge divides: one-to-one positive interactions. Of ANY type.
Ripley says, “This ritual of making light, positive connections, outside of conflict, sounds obvious, but we neglect it all the time in our regular lives. These fleeting, pleasant encounters help expand our definition of us.”
If you feel like your glass is half empty rather than half full, and you don’t know what to do, try filling your glass with positive interactions. A LOT of positive interactions. Five times more than negative interactions! And not just with your friends; across divides. And don’t wait for the positive interactions to come your way; take initiative and make them up.
Basically get our of your head and away from your screen and DO stuff together with “other” people.
* To mingle is to actually interact with people and start conversations with people you don’t know.
This is such good advice! Someone once said that when you read or hear something that explains something you already knew, it really resonates. Years ago we lived in an apartment and had an ongoing feud with our neighbor. He couldn’t stand it that we sometimes made a little noise. I asked my very wise sister what to do and she said ask him for a favor. I thought this was crazy, but I did ask for a ride to the train when our car broke down and after that we had much less conflict – so it really works!
Craig, I love it! All good tools that we can put to work any time, any place with ease