Question: I was on Maine Calling last week and Jennifer Rooks asked me: “Craig I think everyone has had a situation where we’re chatting with someone – maybe it’s a neighbor or we’re at a party – and the person says something that surprises you, that you disagree with, that you find unkind. What do you recommend?”
Answer: “When I am my best self I am not reacting in a negative way. I’m pausing. And then I’m asking a question.
That is my go-to strategy when I am up against the wall or in a hard place or surprised or shaken and I don’t know what to do. I will ask a question in a non-judgmental way. Like, wow that’s interesting; what made you think of that? Or, that’s an interesting view; can you tell me more about that? Asking a question like that does a couple things.
One, it gives me a couple moments to think about how I really want to answer. Is this something that I’m going confront or am I going to just keep my head down on this issue or am I going to engage in a conversation? I get a few moments to consider that.
Two. It provides validity to the person. I’m not writing them off. I am curious about why they believe what they believe. So I still have rapport with that person. If I react negatively, now I’ve lost my rapport with that person and we’re in an adversarial situation.
Three. It gives me new information. They’re gonna answer the question and I’m gonna get to learn more about them and I might find something that I can continue a conversation with.
That’s one strategy. Ask a question.
Another is to make a comment or to start a conversation totally unrelated to “the trump hat;” totally unrelated to the comment that I just heard you say. Instead, I’m gonna strike up a conversation with you about something else, about something that I’m pretty sure we do have in common. Like the kids that are playing over there on the swings, or like the food that’s in front of us, or like following directions to get to the same place. These are seemingly mundane things but the trick is to establish something in common right at the start of the conversation. That’s gonna make me feel better in taking future steps with that conversation.
Start with curiosity and see where it goes.
Link here to the entire 50-min broadcast. The above segment starts at 17:22.
Very helpful Craig. When I am patient enough to follow your first approach it often ends very pleasantly